Breaking Dawn will Break Twilight Records

So,is  having sex with a vampire is a good thing?  Of course, we’re married, silly!  What about taking some precautions?  Oh, that’s the beauty of marrying the undead, they’re shooting blanks and, wait, I have to throw up before answering your next question…   

One Word Movie Review: Soapy

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 continues the undead soap opera of Bella and Edward (will she, won’t she…) and, well, let me share the audience ambiance with you, rather than the movie itself.  This is all about the Twilight hoards of teen-age girls who are dying to see Bella die in Edward’s arms and become a blood-sucking lover for, like, forever.

The pre-show on Breaking Dawn Part I’s opening night was dominated by girls (and me sitting off to the side).  I have never been in such a crowd before in a theater.  There was an electric chatter rippling through the girls, as if they couldn’t stop themselves.  They all had the munchies, chomping on the popcorn like they’d starved themselves for a week – note to the box office tally, this will be a huge weekend for ticket sales but I expect the confectionary receipts to be over the full moon – and they’re glowing in the soft light of their cell phones as they madly texted their network of Twilight addicts.

“Can you believe I’m about to see the latest Twilight film?”

“Oh, why doesn’t it start already!”

“Will she finally do the nasty with Edward?”

“What will her wedding dress look like?”

“Is she going to have a baby?”

“What does she see in that beast Jacob?  Oh, come on, wait until he takes his shirt off?  Are they both going to take their clothes off again?”

Now, I’ve sat in some exceptional pre-movie crowds over the years but nothing like this Breaking Dawn crowd.  They were loud and constantly a-buzz in anticipation of this movie.  So, did it satisfy this core Twilight audience?

They were too quiet during the show and they left with the credits, at least half before the sneaky epilogue scene that appears half-way through the credits to set up Breaking Dawn Part II.  Make sure you stay to see this ominous conflict simmering between the Vampire clans because it is more interesting than most of Part I.

I could feel the air slowly drain out of the crowd as the film plodded on through the plot points, from the pre-wedding to the wedding to the honeymoon to the pregnancy and Act III’s manufactured conflicts between clan vampire and clan werewolf.  This was more soap than blood, marking the same issues of pacing and story we saw with the last two Harry Potter movies.  Sure, they want to stretch the last book out to two movies to maximize their profits, but Breaking Dawn Part I is all set-up and no pay-off.  We’ve been waiting for, what, three movies for Bella and Edward to tie the knot and boy, was it worth the wait?  I hope you don’t go thinking there will be a hot sex scene between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.

My sense was the target crowd enjoyed the Breaking Dawn anticipation more than the satisfaction of seeing the lovers together in married bliss.  Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I is all deflation and sucking blood through a straw.  Still, it will break box office records this weekend and add a few more pints of blood to the Twilight bank.

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